Yesterday morning, as I sat
out on the back deck in the cool, quiet calm after rain, sipping a
cup of coffee and reading this article, it hit me like a ton of lead
bricks and gave me a lot to think about. In the past, I have tried to
be a girl who doesn't listen (in context as to how this article uses
the term), but there have been times where I've failed that. And even
more recently I tend to want to sit in the corner and give myself a
pity party regarding things that people are saying about me, but with
the help of God and lots of prayer, I've realized that it doesn't
matter. It doesn't matter
what they say. Keep serving God, and disregard the lies. That's the
theme of this article.
Whether
we like to admit it or not, the church (and yes, the churches we are
members of, wherever we may be) has major problems with gossip. I
think a lot of Christians mislabel gossip as being 'concerned for my
fellow Christian' and trying to get 'feedback' and 'support' from
other fellow Christians, thus starting the gossip wildfire that gets
worse every time it goes around. We've all been guilty of this. We
sit and speculate on another person's actions and, without coming to
the other person, we go to people who aren't even involved and get
their opinions on that
person and dump all of our opinions on them. Do you see the pattern?
This is gossip. And
honestly, I think this is one of the major issues that tears our
churches apart and leaves the members bitter and defensive. We have
to fix this. Let's start with ourselves – not trying to fix other
people's problems.
“The Girl Who Doesn't
Listen”
Jenefer Igarashi for Home
Educating Family Magazine
When I was in grade school,
nearly every single report card that got sent home said, “Little
Jenny has potential but she never stops talking and she never
listens.” Ahhh, the good old days.
Proverbs 18:17 says that
“The one who states his case first seems right, until the other
comes and examines him.”
Ever been on either side of
that Proverb? Have you heard a story against someone and judged them
without hearing the other side? Or, have you ever been judged by
someone who heard a story about you without hearing your side? It's
dreadful. And while we expect trials and persecution to come at us
from the world, most of us are at a loss when a brother or sister,
who claims Christ, gives us a great, hard poke right in the eyeball.
I'm not sure there is
anything that compares to the vexation that sort of situation brings.
I've been there and it reeks. My friend my friend... why have you
forsaken me? I think we've all been there, and, as a side note, I'm
guessing we mostly hearken back to those times we've forsaken rather
than the times we've done the forsaking.
As I've grown I can see
that my pride is always at the core. My reputation – not the glory
of God or concern for my agitator – was what I was most anxious
about. My thoughts generally revolved around my hurts, my rights, my
oppression. Me me me, I love myself, I have my picture on the shelf.
Poor poor me.
I jest, but truly, I do
know those times really are excruciating. We have had 'opponents'
genuinely convinced that we were in the wrong and come against us
sharply. I remember one situation, years ago, where things got
beastly bad with another family and things went downhill fast. Our
situation grew worse as people began finding out there was an issue.
And when it became clear that the reconciliation wasn't going to
happen, my gut reaction was to build a defense. My hurts, my rights,
my oppression was foremost on my mind. And I had a deep longing for
everybody to hear 'my side of the story'. I would walk around the
house muttering Proverbs 18:19. I didn't sleep at night. I laid in
bed arguing with this family in my head, or even getting up to write
out ten page letters detailing their error. I craved the chance to
stand up 'and give the other side of the story'. Because I was right!
My cuase was just! I needed to be heard! The truth must be unleashed!
Cue the soundtrack from the Lord of the Rings battle scene...
Now, as it happens, I'm
married to Geoff the Great. He is a good man. He is a wise man.
During that particular conflict, most days I wanted to lop off his
head with a garden hoe. The man was constantly reigning me in (or
trying to do damage control on my behalf) and was always giving me
the same lecture. And I didn't like what I was hearing from him.
His ongoing theme was, “Zip
it.” I wish I had a nickel for every time he said, “Stop
talking.”
As a side note, I'll
mention that he didn't mean for me not to talk about the issues with
him or our pastor or my closest friend (who was praying for us
intently) but my please about “letting everybody know the 'real
truth'” or '”hearing the other side of the story” fell on deaf
ears.
His point was always this:
if a third party was not in a position to actively help solve the
problem, then it could only muddy the waters by giving them
information. I rebelled against this heartily. And I had a lot of
scripture to fling at his head when he would tell me such things. But
he remained steadfast.
My bitter response to my
husband was, “So are we supposed to just let people believe things
that are untrue?” His answer was, “If they are so easily
persuaded by one side of a story, then what does it matter if we're
able to persuade them to another? We will not chase people down and
try to educate them.”
And even harder still was
the repulsive idea of not giving my side of the story when people
(who had heard the charges against us) came to us and asked. This is
what always just about killed me. I would howl at my husband and ask
him if he just expected me to smile alike a sap when people were
genuinely trying to hear both sides. His answer was a profound one.
His response to those who would come to hear the other side was this:
“Why did you listen when someone began telling a story against us?”
This really is a concept
most of us can't accept. It's an uncommon idea that God truly is in
control and that when we're bad-mouthed, we do not need to raise our
voices to defend ourselves, or attack our attackers. It can feel
almost impossible to live this way. My husband was constantly telling
me that if we would simply continue to walk in a way that lined up
with God's Word then that would shine as our witness better than any
arguments we could make on our one behalf.
My husband is gentle, but
he would adamantly let third parties know that they really should not
have listened to anything against us at all, nor did they need to
hear anything from us against our accusers. What purpose had they to
listen? And why were they coming to us now? If we gave a story and
won them over what good would that do? He would let friends know that
the issues we had really needed to be worked out one-on-one between
us and our Christian opponent. And then he would encourage them to
pray for both parties and if anything, simply reinforce (to our
opponents) that they should meet with us and our pastor. He continued
to emphasize that they had no business of listening to either 'our'
side or 'their' side unless they were being officially brought in as
a mediator. My husband is so wise. Oh how badly I wanted to stab him
in the eye with a chopstick – because Lord knows I had all sorts of
things I was ready to share. But he was right.
SO why do most people
listen? It's because “words of a gossip go down like choice
morsels” (Proverbs 8:8). We all love to hear a good story. We like
to feel involved and in-the-know. It's why tabloid papers and gossip
television shows are in such high demand. We trick ourselves into
thinking we can somehow help by knowing other people's issues. Yet
we're told in 2nd Thessalonians 3:11 that we have no business at all
going about as 'busy bodies', nor should we have anything to do with
busybodies or divisive people. Titus 3:10 tells us to reject a
'divisive man after the first and second admonition'.
Nine out of ten times, when
somebody starts a sentence with the words, “I'm really upset about
so-and-so” our immediate response should be, “If I'm not in a
position to actively fix the problem then I really better not hear
anything about this.” Stick your fingers in your ears if you have
to. And if you hear me start blabbing about something you haven't any
business hearing about, then punch me right in the face.
Figuratively, please.
As we follow Christ, let's
rip out all of the smelly areas. Especially the hard ones. We need to
guard our mouths and love the ones who have wronged us. God is
sovereign in all things. We also need to stop our ears and reject
those foul morsels that come to us so easily and go down without a
struggle.
Nobody said it would be
easy; if they did, they were lying. We serve a Great and Mighty God
and He does understand the frustrations we go through. In the
meantime may we glorify Him in an honorable, noble way that elevates
and edifies those who may be watching. People who are obsessed with
the injustices in life are biter, unpleasant and tiresome to be
around. Yes, son, I know they did that to us and it hurts. We really
need to love them and respond in kindness and pray that God will help
us reconcile.” There's always a right way and a wrong way to
respond to any circumstance, even the crazy, twisted ones. Imagine
the good we could do if our children consistently heard us speaking
only that which was edifying. Say only what is right, and if you hear
something that's bad... be the girl who doesn't listen.
